A STRAIGHT LINE! Exclusive: My Running Goals for 2018 and Deep Psychological Insights into the Aging Male Mind

“Every man regards his own life as the New Year’s Eve of time.”
~ Jean Paul Richter

And, indeed! It is that time of year again! The gap between Christmas and New Year’s is filled with heartfelt introspection on goals obtained, as well as those denied. For me, this is a time to reflect on how I can improve myself and achieve an ever greater level of running perfection. Perhaps some of you will benefit from my deep thoughts!

My goals for 2018….

I will refrain from telling poor, unassuming people that I run … When someone in line at the grocery store casually mentions that he just had bypass surgery, there really is no need for me to say, “That reminds me. I ran the Marine Corps Marathon last year.” When hugging a close friend at her mother’s funeral, I will stop short when saying, “She died so young. I’m training for Sehgahunda.”

My BP and HR will not be a topic for public disclosure. I’m above that.

I will run past port-a-johns without using them… Prostate gland or no prostate gland, the porta-johns will not control my running life! I resolve to run past at least one row of port-a-johns this year and say to myself, “Not needed. I just stopped 15 minutes ago.” Based on my calculations, if I properly limited  port-a-john usage, I could shave two-and-a-half hours off my PR.

I will not disrupt the Better Half’s carefully arranged vacation day schedule with my running plans…When, over morning coffee, she expresses her excitement about her exclusive, once-in-a-lifetime “backstage” tickets for the “Anne of Green Gables” exhibition, I will try to hold back from saying, “Well, that’s going to be a problem, today’s my long run day.” Likewise, when she says, “I am so looking forward to this family reunion and seeing my sister!”, I will have the fortitude to not say, “Oh, I guess I forgot to tell you that I signed up for the Beer Run 5K.” Admittedly, this will be tough because this race always offers awesome beer coasters as bling, but, hey, marriage is a give-and-take (though those coasters are collectible).

It’s about compromise, gentlemen. If she doesn’t want you to run a marathon on a particular date, consider opting for the half.

 

I will not suck in my gut when I run past bystanders…This is medically important because I sucked in my gut so strenuously at the Monroe Half Marathon, I cracked a rib. Time to let it go! Humility, man! Of course, I’ll make an exception to this resolution when I spot someone I know.

 

This is the exact moment that I cracked my rib from sucking in my gut. Despite the smile, I was actually nearly buckled over in pain. The young lady behind me thought she heard a gunshot. Lesson learned, older and wiser.

 

If I find money on the curb while running, I will not wave it at every passerby yelling “Ha, ha, I found it, and you didn’t!”…It’s just ten dollars, not the Hope Diamond. I’ve spent 10 dollars on nutrition gels a hundred times, so should I really be gloating?

 

At least when I found this I did not stop on the Macomb Street bridge and instantly text my three brothers with the message, “Gahahaha!” That would have been petty and small-minded.

I will not post every running related item on social media. Unless I have experienced something truly noteworthy, like running on a Saturday, finishing another 5K, getting new running shoes, going to the gym, or really enjoying my socks, I will not Facebook the event. Depending on my mood that day, I may Tweet it.

Note to self: Purchase of a new ten dollar dew-rag is only newsworthy in my own mind.

Friends, we’ve all got room for improvement in 2018, and I hope my reflection stimulates some deep thoughts for you as well. Best wishes to you and your families, and I’ll see you on the trail!

“Men, like bullets, go farthest when they are smoothest.”

~ Jean Paul Richter